Waking up is Hard to do - Motivation Monday
Spending a Day with my Thoughts
I woke up this morning, like many mornings, feeling a sense of dread. I knew it would be difficult to hold myself accountable today. My love tank is running low, and I’m not sure what I need to be doing to feel more refreshed in the morning, more able to embrace the opportunities that are available every day.
On the property that we are parked on, the outdoor shower has been broken a few days, and the dryer doesn't work. So I’m sitting around in the middle of a forest in my School Bus home, more dank and ripe than I would like to be.
I mostly feel like I am camping out here. We do not have access to potable water and do not have a great way to dump our full black water tank, so we cannot use the shower in the bus. I look back to the days when it was as easy as walking to our bathroom and taking a shower. It’s currently being used as storage. We use every inch of this bus for tucking stuff away.
My wife and I walk across the property, past the owners house, to use their outdoor shower. The owners built a real nice outdoor area in the woods, with granite walls, cement and stone walkways, a tall vine covered fence and a small change house.
What was uncomfortable at fist, showering fully naked outside, has become such a pleasurable experience. Eye opening and liberating. When the propane water heater works, it’s great. When it doesn't, we struggle to get clean.
Currently, I could be making the bed, doing the dishes, mopping the floor, taking out the trash - among many adult-related chores and decisions I need to eventually make. However, since I have much of the day left, my goal for today is to sit down and write this blog post. I am hoping that by sitting down and focusing on my writing, that it will produce more value in my life, and is a better way to spend the next couple hours. Writing helps me clear out and organize my mind, helping me work through some of my mental health issues, as writing is a great therapeutic tool.
Winning the Lottery!
Everything else in my life can wait. This journal entry turned blog post could be the winner! I could discover the meaning of my life and make some money at the same time! Then adulting will be so much easier, and the trash will practically take itself out, once the floors mop themselves. I need a magical Disney broom stick!
I always hear people say “When I win the lottery!” But they never play. So there is NO CHANCE OF WINNING. Your life will not simply have more money in it by sheer luck. I believe that every thing I write is like a possible winning lottery ticket.
The more I write, the more chances I have of winning in the lottery of Life. All I need to do is submit my intentions in writing. All I think about is writing, so I’ve setup my life in order to be able to write as much as possible. That, to me, already means I won. I found what I love spending my time with, and I have the time to do it often.
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.
I wake up every morning, and wonder to myself why I choose to live the life I’m living. Why Bus Life Adventure? We are only one decision away from living a completely different life. What is keeping me here, living this one, instead of another one?
Why did I make the choices that I did? I did what I was capable of, at the time I did it. If it had to have been otherwise, it would have been, so it’s simply what it is.
I have learned that it’s much easier NOT to care. About anything. Once you care, you worry about the outcome of a moment. It could make you feel worse than before, if it turned out other than what you hoped for. Some days, it is incredibly hard to care about anything at all. I just don’t even.
Making the choice not to care, actively or unconsciously, is also making the choice to live with the consequences that come with not caring and actively participating in your life. Problems don't just disappear, they multiply. Just because you leave on a Bus Life Adventure, doesn’t mean that you are leaving anything behind.
As far as “problems” are concerned, I consider these more as lessons for change. When I care, I try looking at problems as opportunities for growth. Get through and learn from them. Face it till you make it.
I also live by: “Why do today, what you can do tomorrow?” which is a mantra that no one should be following. “I’ll do it tomorrow,” when I could easily do it today. Somehow, I believe that when this same choice or problem arises tomorrow, I will be more willing to deal with it. However, it usually ends up being another “i’ll do it tomorrow” and then it’s a week/month/year later and is now a magnified problem.
As far as waking up in a depressed mood, sitting snugly on the couch writing, feels like cheating. How could writing something help me? How is doing this creating a life for myself? I could be cleaning up. I could be interacting with people. I need to see if the shower is up and running. I need laundry to be done. I have no more clean underwear, do I start turning them inside out and wear them again?
I stare at the laptop screen. Now that it’s time to actually do some writing work, I’m drawing a blank on where to start. What articles could I finish? What life changing thing could I share with my readers? Surely, they must know I have no idea about anything at all!
“Damn it, this is never going to work!” I think to myself. All I’m doing is sitting around thinking for hours, writing word after word but it means nothing! People don't value a random dude’s writing. Everyone can write, why would they want to ever pay me to do it?!
I get frustrated that my writing is terrible, so I open up the web browser and start looking for a job on Craigslist. As I scroll though the day labor and part time ads, I feel like I can’t do any of these jobs. I continue and look for writing jobs. I realize that I must be incredibly not-talented. I am under schooled/experienced/worked for many of these gigs. Perhaps I should not be looking at these while I’m already feeling down on myself.
So I asked myself “What articles would I be writing if I found a place that would hire me to write for them?”
I closed the browser and got back to my word document. I simply need to keep writing. I need to write what I have to say, not necessarily what I think the audience wants to hear. I need to write what I know to be true, as only I know what I think inside my head; it’s impossible to know what another person is thinking. I would like to be famous for my writing while I’m alive, and not just appreciated after my death.
If I write whatever I want to write about, publish it myself and get it to the right audiences, I’ll have a nice portfolio of different works to present. Sort of like a ‘write it and they will come’ type deal.
I continue writing about how I would like to see my life unfold, which reminded me of a quote I saw recently.
I love writing, so I am taking a chance on that. A big chance. It takes a tremendous amount of time and energy to produce something that’s worthwhile. What’s worthwhile to whom? To that end, I have a difficult time finishing pieces once I start them.
I ramble on and on, moving from one tangent to another, connecting so many different ideas, that I feel my main point gets lost, and I become discouraged.
I’m now back to feeling that every day is the worst day. What is happening today? I am not hodling myself accountable. Where is the love and gratitude for the ability to spend my time at home, working on a craft that is as old as time itself? I’m selling myself short as to how people might enjoy reading my thought process.
So entertain the people!
“Write what needs to be written.” Saw that somewhere recently. “What are you currently seeing/feeling/experiencing that future generations can learn from through your point of view?”
I know a little bit about a little bit, but I generally have no idea what I am doing. And I don't believe anyone else does, either. Don't believe the ones that claim they do. I just wing it every single day.
I’m a “Wantrapeneuer” living a School Bus, not making any money except with virtual currency, which has led me to further believe that money is a complete sham. The most valuable thing we own is our time, yet we will gladly give that up for mere pennies for things we don’t enjoy, and even hate, spending our time doing. That’s ludicrous! I know that I don’t want to live my life that way.
“Nowadays people know the price of everything, but the value of nothing,” says Oscar Wilde.
Health and Wealth
4 years ago I had a savings account worth $25,000 but I was ready to kill myself. Now I have $500 left in my checking account, and I feel the most free. I am more joyous and clear minded than ever before.
BUT! I still need to trade some time in for money if I want to continue living. I would love to be thriving instead of feeling so low.
So I write. I love writing. It is my absolute favorite thing in the entire world. I want to do more and more of it. I would love nothing more than for it to create financial stability for my wife and I.
Coming up with stories, starting something and then finishing it, feels so satisfying. I have so many half written stories and blog posts, which get worked on here and there, many of which never get finished and polished. Yet I write and I write for those writings that do get published and read.
What am I doing? I am hungry. I need food. What am I doing? I cannot sustain this for much longer. My consciousness tells me ”You know what you need to do. Do it. Be a good, responsible person. Do the things you know you need to do.” As if I know at all what that might be, but I know to tell myself that. I’ll figure it out, stumbling around until it feels more right. Do you ever feel that way?
As a human, like every thing else alive on this rock in space, you have to provide for yourself. If you don't, you die. What is your value to the Greater Goal? You need to be able to attain resources to stay alive.
When I had that much money in savings, I was hoarding an asset that Society deems valuable but I was ready to stop living because of all the anger and hate I felt inside. Now I am trading in LOVE, an asset that the Universe deems most valuable. I am the SkoolieLove Bus Driver!
Driving Miles, Delivering Smiles!
Isn't that the “dream come true?”
Finding something to be passionate about, then investing as much time and energy into that passion, and be rewarded with a sense of fullness and well being. Being comfortable in a home you built with your own hands, sitting on your favorite chair and writing some fantastical shit.
SURELY!! everyone that comes across it will be inspired and changed forever. All I need to do is write, and all you need to do is read it and everyone feels the exchange was of value.
Doesn't that sound amazing?
I have possibly done it! All I needed to do was write, and I figured it all out. I went from being in a slump this morning to creating something worthwhile, while still having enough time to complete all my chores.
Do what’s important to you first!
What is your passion that you simply must invest all your energy into?
Make it a great day! Thanks for spending some time in my head.
Post Publish Edit
My buddy just read this and messaged me:
Just read your post, two things came to mind.
I got someone who loves me tonight,
I got over a thousand dollars in the bank
And I'm all right
I've been thinking...anyone can be rich.
Work all the time and get rich. I realize it's all about making the most you can in the littlest amount of time. I want to make a couple hundred dollars an hour so I don't have to work many hours.
On paper, I made $94,000 last year but I was sick more than I ever have been.
Money is important, but time is more important. Sleep. Exercise. Diet.
Love you so much, man. We are living the struggle. Beauty is all around. We are growing wiser and figuring it out.
Thank you for the love my forever friend! This post has already blessed me!